How to stop negative self-talk?
I was a mess.
My entire emotional system was crying out with fear and frustration, all the time. It was a struggle to stay positive, hopeful and inspired. There were times when I felt energetic but that did not last long. I was up against the world, all the time. It felt like impossible to get out of the “negative loop”.
I was exhausted.
How is it we can control a ninety thousand pound aircraft thousands of miles above us but we can’t just feel positive for a moment?!
What (NOT) to do when feeling negative?
- Fight the negative thoughts — try to argue and dis-credit them
- Try to infuse positive thoughts
- Try not to think
- Try to meditate or be more mindful
At the end of it, when none of this works, I get sucked into the “worry” quagmire.
Mental states
Positivity to me is when I think of all ways things can work.
Negativity is when I keep ruminating on all ways things can break.
Sometimes it felt like these two mental states were separated by a gulf that was impossible to cross. I also realised that my negative mental states happened very quickly like someone pressed a switch.
Well, someone did press a switch. That, someone, was me and I kept pressing the switch by thinking of a “mental image”…
Triggering emotions through mental pictures
What will happen if I don’t finish my presentation by the deadline? What will my boss say? How will her face look like when she’s disappointed with me?
I imagine, in all colour and glory.
Every negative thought has a “visual” that triggers the anxiety
And when one negative thought occurs, others are not far behind! Thinking about missing deadlines, I also think of all other ways my life could break into pieces. Panic ensues.
I decided to do something about my “negative self-talk”.
I created a digital avatar that will help me become aware of my negative thinking. The experiment changed the way I interacted with myself.
As I started to become more aware of my self-talk, I realised that I needed a “positive space” as well in my head. This is the place where I could go to energise myself whenever needed.
Since I didn’t seem to have one, I decided to build it!
I call this positive mind space my “Inner Hero”.
The Inner Hero is the one who keeps me balanced. He is the one who keeps me focused when the storm hits the docks. And the one who focuses on all ways things can move forward.
Building my Inner Hero
- I gave my Inner Hero a name
- I also gave him a face
- Now, I started listing all my strengths
- Then, I started listing all my goals and dream
- I continued by listing all traits and habits I would love to have
- Now I rewrote all the goals, dreams, strengths, traits — in the present tense. Anything I wanted to achieve I wrote them as I already did.
What happened next?
The initial few days were real fun. I called my inner hero Shiva and wrote in micro-details as to how great he is.
Since I was doing this for the first time, my mind liked the idea of putting all positive things in one place. Within a few weeks, I had more than a hundred goals, inspirational thoughts and ideas in my journal.
I then added inspirational images to my ideas, images that kept these positive assertions alive in my head.
The idea was to capture every inspiration.
The idea was to focus on the minutest of positive things that inspired me and capture them.
The idea was to make my Inner Hero a space for my greatest and smallest dreams in life.
The idea was to feel energised to live life, chase goals and find meaning.
After a week or so, this habit became addictive. Who would not want to spend some time every day imagining all the good things in life?
But, it was not all just dreaming.
The litmus test
I still didn’t know if any of this will work. I had been journaling for a week or so and I wasn’t sure what to expect from any of this. This all might be just a waste of time, I felt at that moment. My initial enthusiasm was wearing off as well.
Then one night, in the middle of my sleep I had my “usual” panic attack. I started worrying about how things could go wrong with my business and life. I lost my sleep. I got nervous. This had happened to me before. I usually end up panicking more, worrying about a bunch of things and losing my sleep. But this time something else happened.
I remembered my “Inner Hero”. I called his name in my head. I remembered the face.
Silence for a moment. Then, the panic slowly died down. The more I remembered my Inner Hero, the more relaxed I was. I slowly calmed myself to sleep!
How does “Inner Hero” work?
1. The Inner Hero concept is not new. In some Asian cultures, there are “gods” that have names, attire, look and feel of the place where they originate — to make it relevant to the people who worship.
2. In Hindu temples, priests and people utter mantras towards idols. These mantras are basically positive things about God such as how great she is, how she will take care of us, what great talents and nature she has etc. — basically a centre for all things positive.
3. Our memory remembers natural life forms such as human and animal faces much more easily than abstract ideas. Such memories make it easier for us to trigger our emotions.
Such a combination of relevance, positivity and mental imagery makes it easy for people to remember their “positive centre” at times of distress.
Today, we have more triggers to “negative thinking” than ever before. There is more “fear” than inspiration. There is more worry than imagination. This is one of the reasons why “anxiety” is one of the biggest mental health problems people face today.
We need a way to bring the balance back. We need a way to cross the gulf between negative and positive thinking. This is the starting point to productivity and creativity. This is exactly what “the Inner Hero” helped me achieve.
References
- Self-Talk Training
- Avatar therapy
- Ted Talk on Inner coach
- Experiment on Inner Critic
- Source Image for my Inner hero — aninspiring.com
Emotion is Intelligence series raises questions on our central assumptions about intelligence, emotion, creativity and mental well-being
Harish is an entrepreneur building products that help affect our emotion, feeling and psychology
